when I imagine love... what it feels like... what it tastes like.. oh how my body grows ill and my stomach, it aches... for it all returns me to you.
your eyes... and the way they would stare directly through mine... revealing my soul, my heart, my truth... nothing could hide from those eyes.
your lips... and the way they would graze my skin; what I would give to feel those lips again, those lips that I continue to crave each lonely night, the only lips that could make me bend on command...
your chest... and the way my head would fit so perfectly upon it... how soundly I would sleep with my body upon yours and how I miss the way your fingertips would lightly run down the length of my back as I drifted off in your embrace...
you see... there is no love after you... for there is not one who could compare with a soul made so perfectly for my own... and thus... after you... love is but a distant, bittersweet memory...
when I imagine love... what it feels like... what it tastes like... oh how my body grows ill and my stomach, it aches... for it all returns me to you.
- a poem by Amber Eyes -
I remember it like it was yesterday... February 14th, 2017. I had a show in Los Angeles that night and realized that morning that I had yet to get the pickup installed in my new guitar. In a panic, I called up the guitar center near the venue.
They told me to bring the guitar in and that it would take a few hours.. I THREW myself together and got there as quickly as I could. I had planned to venture off and explore as I awaited my guitar to get fixed up, but then I heard the most beautiful music coming from the acoustic room.
Naturally, I found myself wandering inside to see a couple of young men jamming out together. I had to sit and listen.
I began singing along with them and just enjoying the musical company and we shared our introductions. Joel and Corey were nothing short of mind blowing talented and I was simply happy to be in their presence.
When my guitar was finished I thought it'd be time to say goodbyes, but instead from there we decided to go off and grab some food.. My friend Macayla joined us at the restaurant next door and we all just shared stories for an hour or two. Again, I thought goodbyes were in order, but they proceeded to ask about my show that evening...
Later that night, to my surprise, Corey showed up with two of his friends to support me. It was genuinely the warmest feeling I had felt in a long time, since I was very far from home.
We all continued to hang back at his place later on that evening and Corey began telling me of this place called "Winston House". It sounded absolutely amazing and I knew I was going to be in town for the next week, so I made my plans to go there that Monday.
Monday came around and I received a text from Corey late that morning asking if I wanted to sing a couple songs at the acoustic couch session. I said yes with delight and was even more excited for the evening...
The night rolled around and upon arrival I found out that I wasn't just singing a few songs, but I was the "featured artist" of the evening. (Thanks for the heads up again Corey lol) I was also greeted with open arms by each and every individual there, including the head of the gang - Mr. Corey McGuire, who said they had already heard so much about the "girl from guitar center."
It was truly such a special feeling and an incredible evening to say the least.
I had my plans of moving to LA, but was terrified because I KNEW PEOPLE, but not TOO MANY people. So I was scared of feeling alone in such a big city. But after that evening I knew I was going to be just fine.
March 15th I arrived in LA with my father and that following Thursday night I found myself at Winston. Thursday after Thursday... there I was, surrounded by some of the most talented and most kind hearted individuals I have ever met. Every week simply growing more and more grateful for fate and how a simple mistake that brought me to guitar center lead me to a family.
I genuinely can not say thank you enough to Winston House and everyone there who provided me with a safe haven and second home. My heart is constantly full knowing that I have people in my life who actually care for my well being and just believe in me as much as they do.
One house that made such an incredibly impact on so many, including myself, continues to be a place of comfort for those who either do or simply love music. And I feel incredible blessed to be able to say that that one House brought me a sense of home in a time when I needed it most.
If I live my life waiting for an opportunity,
I will have missed out on all of the ones happening around me.
And the moment I let go of any expectations and allow myself to soak in all that life has to offer,
is the same moment I will find myself with an abundance of opportunities at my reach.
who am i
what am i
i look in the mirror for a clue
who am i
what am i
look for an answer... where were you
with no hope for release
no path for these feet
another day lost
another day wasted
on trying to be free
start each day right
start each day fighting
but once more... i see defeat
A few months ago I picked up the book "You're A Bad Ass: How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness And Start Living An Awesome Life" by Jen Sincero.
After reading just a few pages I realized the book couldn't have come into my life at a more perfect time. It was as though it was the medicine I had been searching for.
Chapter after chapter I find myself learning more about my positive, as well as negative, tendencies.
One major thing that changed my life from this book was discovering my mantra and learning how to practice meditation.
I now start off every day saying my mantra in my head about ten times... it just gets me AMPED and in a productive, successful mindset.
One day, I was getting done with my morning workout and one of my best friends Madeline was texting me about a self-help book she had been reading and how she thought it'd be perfect for me... as we talked about this I mentioned that I too had been reading a book that was scarily relevant to myself and my life.
As we revealed the titles to each other simultaneously it turned out that we were actually reading the same book. How strange that two people can live on the same wave length and how one book can drastically change someone in such a short amount of time.
If you've yet to read or hear about this book, I truly do suggest picking it up and just reading the first chapter... with that, I promise you... you will be hooked.
For since I started reading and started making these conscious decisions to take my life into my OWN HANDS I've been happier than ever before and just LIVING life... versus allowing life to live me.
Create the future that YOU wish to live in and know that your thoughts and mind are the most powerful tools you possess.
When you ask someone why they drink the answer usually includes something along the lines of letting their guard down so they are able to enjoy themselves.
What's crazy to me is that for that same reason I knew I had to stop.
How can something be so different for different people, have the same effect but leave a fun and positive memory behind for one... yet create negative and self destructive memories for another?
I used to drink all the time.. to forget about things, to have fun, to let loose, to be social... but I realized that for so long I'd been using this as a tool to aid my bulimia. Something to knock down my wall of strength and falter my clear mind to then go on and misbehave with a "legitimate excuse" as to why I spent the rest of my night over a toilet.
Not only was this a crutch for my continued struggle, but it also was something I genuinely didn't even ENJOY to begin with.
I was never the type that NEEDED a substance to have fun and I used to pride myself on that fact.
I remember the last drink I had.. I was at a friend's house for a mini party with some wine and it was on my drive home that I thought to myself... I don't want to be this person anymore.. I don't NEED this person anymore.. I am better and stronger than this woman I've allowed myself to become.
Truthfully, quitting drinking has been the EASIEST bad habit I've yet to break and I feel so ALIVE and just happier than I had been in so long.
So here's to my continued and ongoing path to recovery and ever happiness. Alcohol and ED free.
December 1st, 2014 I lost someone who was most near and dear to my heart. The day my nana died was genuinely one of the worst days I can even remember. But what was to come would only be much worse.
Within a month of her passing I began my job working for Carnival Cruise Lines in Australia, a job I had been contracted for for months prior. I loved Australia, I loved the people and I loved my job, but the countless upon countless hours spent alone with no real time to grieve before hand was what put me over the edge.
On board the ship there was always buffet after buffet for the crew down below and it is there that I found my comfort... food. Food and depression how cliche. I would eat and eat and eat until I grew sick and this, for whatever reason, became my daily routine to ease the pain in my heart. I had had a past with bulimia and with this addiction to food came my guilt and thus began the cycle again.
From February 2015 to September 2017 I racked up about $9,000 in food that I was just utilizing to binge and purge. I kept my disease under wraps from the world around me as best I could because I had so many that looked up to me that I didn't want to disappoint, but there I was stuck in a rut with zero hope of release from my eating disorder's grasp.
I had tried countless times to get better, had multiple boyfriends cry over the idea of losing me to this addiction and beg me to stop, but I was on a self destructive path and had zero care in the world as to what would happen if I continued. Every time I would go days or weeks or even a month without binging and purging I would fall right back down into the pit out of hate toward my weight that I would read on the scale and out of pure weakness.
It was October 1st, 2017 that I entered Mosaic and on that day, I found Jesus. On that day I found a new strength and love within myself that I had yet to know. It has been nearly 2 weeks and 12lbs later and here I am... stronger than I had ever been and proud of who I am.
In opening my heart and soul to my faith I found a light in me, a purpose for getting better and a new love for the beautiful, caring and kind person that I had always been. How strange to think that we can have so much in the palm of our hands or in our heart and just be blinded by darkness.
Loving yourself is definitely not the easiest of tasks and sometimes it takes something extraordinary to lift you up from the ground or the bed that you've made yourself.... but if there is one thing I know, hope is never lost. Never give up on yourself, never lose sight of the beauty you hold within you... we are all creatures of light, but it is up to ourselves to dive within and bring that light to the surface.
I want to thank everyone who has been by my side through the past few years and has stuck by me through the many ups and downs. Your love and support have meant more to me than you'll ever know and I am so happy to be in this place that I'm at and I promise to not only make you all proud, but to continue to make MYSELF proud of the woman I've become.
- Amber Eyes 🖤
I start every morning with a gym session. My friends always joke about how I never miss a day and that I don't let myself "live." Little do they know that this is my FAVORITE way to start my day.
News flash... I'm human and NO I do NOT wake up in a happy-go-lucky mood EVERY DAY. But when I walk out of the gym after a crazy lifting session or a morning run where I publicly air-drum like a mad woman to the music blasting through my headphones on the treadmill I just feel... alive.
I feel so accomplished starting my day off with something that allows me to leave every bit of stress, frustration, distraction or anger behind. I take it all out in my workout and with that I am able to take on my day with an open positive mind set. It is my own personal therapy session... with me, myself and I... and the weights and work out equipment naturally.
On top of this, I also make sure I find time in my day to do ONE NICE THING FOR ME.
I believe this is what changed my entire world around. I've spent year after year, day after day and hour after hour worrying about this, that and the other that I NEVER MADE TIME FOR ME.
Even something as simple as making sure I write or read for an hour a day, nothing fancy, just something that makes me feel good and allows me to escape the craziness of the world around me.
Everyone should try it. I guarantee you that it will do WONDERS for your state of mind and how you feel on a daily basis.
Trust me... for a workaholic, like myself, it was NO EASY at first. But with practice and daily reminders to myself.. it just became a huge and pleasant part of my daily routine.
Remember to give yourself some love EACH AND EVERY DAY.... because you deserve it.
I never thought there was anything special about my eyes.. "shit brown" I always called them, yet people would tell me how I had "such beautiful eyes".
I guess what what I kept forgetting is that in the sun my eyes turned a red brown... amber.
When googling "Amber Eyes" I found out that it was one of the rarer eye colors one can have and my mind started racing.
Those who know me, and I mean actually KNOW me, know how insecure I am... though I wear a confident facade. but when I'm on a stage or just in front of a microphone it is when I truly come alive and am the most comfortable in my own skin. Many have told me they feel my soul when I'm performing.
This is where my mind began to correlate my eyes and my music... My eyes true color, which I had always misinterpreted as "shit brown", is revealed when in the light much like my soul and heart through my music. An overly compensating insecure individual filled with confidence and light the most she opens up her mouth to sing...
I know that, also much like my eye color, my talents are rare and God has blessed me with a gift that I know I must share to help heal the world in the way I know how... through song. I have something special to offer the world that I myself never really gave much credit to, nor honestly realized.
But with this name and with this new found confidence... the world better watch out because I'm here. And I'm ready to shape the world with my music and my sound.
- Amber Eyes 🖤
October 1st started off the way most of my days had been starting... panic that I missed my alarm clock, running out the door and JUST making it to where I had to be. After my brunch gig in Playa Vista was done, I went to my regularly visited LA Fitness next to Universal.
A few minutes into my work out I received multiple texts and phone calls from my good friend Tim. When we finally spoke he asked what my plans were for the evening and I told him I was actually going to go to church and invited him to join me.
ME... going to church. I heard the words leave my lips, but wasn't even sure I believed myself. I said countless times in the past few months that I'd go, but always found myself doing something else. I genuinely can't remember the last time I believed in ANYTHING, let alone found myself longing for a faith-filled community. But, Tim agreed to join me and that was it.. no turning back; the plans were made.
I showered and got ready in the gym's locker room and contemplated canceling our plans probably a thousand times, but I didn't.
As I drove to the church my heart was racing out of my chest and my blood pressure was through the flipping roof. The anxiety made me nearly turn my car right around a few times, but I just felt it in my bones that I had to go. So I did.
I arrived and anxiously waited for Tim to show up. We went inside and sat down and shortly after began worship.
Worship.. more like a rock concert filled with joy and praise and LOVE. My heart was so full and if that wasn't enough EVERYONE was singing along. I could've just died in that moment and been completely content, but what followed still gives me chills evening thinking about it.
The pastor, a man by the name of Erwin McManus got up and began discussing the first chapter of his newly released book "The Last Arrow". As the words came out of his mouth I literally felt them shoot through me and stick within me. Everything he said was not only relevant to my life's current situation, but it felt as though he wrote what he was saying directly about me. I had goosebumps all over.
The last five minutes I sat there with my eyes closed just taking in every aspect of the moment. It was in those five minutes that I felt my nana.
My name was pretty much the most religious person I had ever PERSONALLY known and the only reason I ever believed in anything PERIOD. After she past about three years ago that was the last straw for me. Any hope of me believing in anything or having faith was completely shattered out of spite, guilt and anger.
But there she was... in that room, in that moment... with me.
I began to cry and the girl, who had never been to that church before and I had invited to sit next to us, put her hand on my leg and told me that if it were an option I should get baptized.
WITHIN A MINUTE of her saying this, Erwin said to the room FULL of people that if any of us would like to accept God into our hearts and be baptized to simply stand up and go to the left.
MY MIND said "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT", but MY BODY was already in motion. My heart knew where it belonged and where it was going. So there I was in the back getting into used gym clothes that didn't belong to me and getting prepared to be baptized.
Up until the moment my body was submerged my face read the terror and nervousness that was inside of me, but as I rose from the water I felt... reborn, cleansed so to speak.
My heart and my body was just so.. full.
I thank God for Erwin and for MOSAIC because since that day I have felt a strength with my struggles that I have never felt before. I feel a love in my heart that I can't explain and I'm just beyond grateful and happy to say that I am a Christian.