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December 1st, 2014 I lost someone who was most near and dear to my heart. The day my nana died was genuinely one of the worst days I can even remember. But what was to come would only be much worse.
Within a month of her passing I began my job working for Carnival Cruise Lines in Australia, a job I had been contracted for for months prior. I loved Australia, I loved the people and I loved my job, but the countless upon countless hours spent alone with no real time to grieve before hand was what put me over the edge.
On board the ship there was always buffet after buffet for the crew down below and it is there that I found my comfort... food. Food and depression how cliche. I would eat and eat and eat until I grew sick and this, for whatever reason, became my daily routine to ease the pain in my heart. I had had a past with bulimia and with this addiction to food came my guilt and thus began the cycle again.
From February 2015 to September 2017 I racked up about $9,000 in food that I was just utilizing to binge and purge. I kept my disease under wraps from the world around me as best I could because I had so many that looked up to me that I didn't want to disappoint, but there I was stuck in a rut with zero hope of release from my eating disorder's grasp.
I had tried countless times to get better, had multiple boyfriends cry over the idea of losing me to this addiction and beg me to stop, but I was on a self destructive path and had zero care in the world as to what would happen if I continued. Every time I would go days or weeks or even a month without binging and purging I would fall right back down into the pit out of hate toward my weight that I would read on the scale and out of pure weakness.
It was October 1st, 2017 that I entered Mosaic and on that day, I found Jesus. On that day I found a new strength and love within myself that I had yet to know. It has been nearly 2 weeks and 12lbs later and here I am... stronger than I had ever been and proud of who I am.
In opening my heart and soul to my faith I found a light in me, a purpose for getting better and a new love for the beautiful, caring and kind person that I had always been. How strange to think that we can have so much in the palm of our hands or in our heart and just be blinded by darkness.
Loving yourself is definitely not the easiest of tasks and sometimes it takes something extraordinary to lift you up from the ground or the bed that you've made yourself.... but if there is one thing I know, hope is never lost. Never give up on yourself, never lose sight of the beauty you hold within you... we are all creatures of light, but it is up to ourselves to dive within and bring that light to the surface.
I want to thank everyone who has been by my side through the past few years and has stuck by me through the many ups and downs. Your love and support have meant more to me than you'll ever know and I am so happy to be in this place that I'm at and I promise to not only make you all proud, but to continue to make MYSELF proud of the woman I've become.
- Amber Eyes 🖤